This is just a quick post before my longer, proper post later tonight but I feel like it’s something that I need to say now.
Okay, so lately I’ve been struggling more with other things than my eating and although the eating disorder thoughts are definitely still there, it’s the other thoughts that are more intense at the minute.
I won’t go into detail in case I trigger anyone but there have been a couple of incidents today regarding these ‘other thoughts’. As these incidents happened not long before tea, I was still feeling pretty crap to say the least when I went into the dining room. Physically and mentally I was exhausted. I was freezing, I found it difficult to swallow at first, my knees felt like they could have given way at any second and I had nearly fainted less than an hour before.
When I went into the dining room I started my tea but everything seemed so hard. I didn’t see what the point in eating was and I didn’t really want to carry on. After a few of mouthfuls I gave up and walked out.
I went back to my room and sat on my bed where the thoughts began to race even more. I knew that if I didn’t have tea then things would just spiral down again because I’d have to deal with the fortisip (meal replacement drink) on top of my supper and I just knew that I wouldn’t be able to manage it, things would get worse and worse and I’d just end up on the NG tube again, back at square one.
So I sat and cried for a while wondering what to do and then I just thought, “Just go and try again. Giving in to your eating disorder won’t get you anywhere, it never made you happy – in fact it’s made you depressed and there’s no point in refusing it and making things harder for yourself. You deserve more than this.”
And so I went back in that dining room and I managed it all and even though it pains me to say it, I am really proud of myself.
This is my message to you all:
If you can find even the tiniest bit of motivation or hope for the future, an event, a holiday, a person, a pet, anything, then cling onto it and don’t let go. Even if the rest of your being is screaming at you to give up and restrict, purge, exercise, self harm or even to end it all, then please, please try to ignore it – remember why you’ve held on for so long. And if you’re can’t remember then think of something that will happen in the future that you have to look forwards to. Below is my personal list of reasons to keep going and I have it on the wall by my bed so that I see it last thing at night and first thing in the morning. some of them might seem stupid to you but that’s kind of the point of it. These are my personal reasons, my motivations and everyone’s will differ depending on who they are. That’s the beauty of it. Make your own list of reasons whenever you feel like giving up, even if they are tiny things that might seem silly to anyone else. Keep the list with you at all times (either literally in your pocket or in your mind) and never forget that everyone is perfectly imperfect, everyone deserves happiness, yes YOU, and you have the rest of your life to look forwards to. Pain is only temporary.
Love Anna ♥