When my anorexia was at its strongest, stepping on the scales was like torture. Seeing that the number had gone up was terrifying and seeing that it had gone down meant that, although I was pleased (or rather my eating disorder was pleased), it meant that I’d have to face the disappointment from my parents and the dietitians and they’d tell me to eat more or give me another meal replacement drink to have. There was no way I could win. I felt so trapped.
Most of my weekly dietitians appointments involved tears from at least one person.
Now, after 5 months in the inpatient unit, stepping on the scales is a breeze. I literally don’t care about the number I see because that’s all it is to me – a number. It doesn’t mean anything. Nothing at all. I don’t care whether the number’s gone up a lot or not because it doesn’t count for anything that’s inside of me. Another of my favourite quotes is:
The scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity. It can’t measure beauty, purpose, life force, compassion or love.
However today was different. The number did mean something. Today is the day that I reached my target weight.
This number means that I’m one step closer to being fully recovered, that I can do sports and hobbies that I haven’t been able to do in over 7 months and that I am no longer at risk of all the horrible physical health conditions that come as a consequence of being severely underweight. I am now at the bottom of the healthy weight range and contrary to what my eating disorder has told me previously, I am not fat. There may be times when I think I am – being a healthy weight doesn’t mean I have a healthy mind, but it means that I’m at least heading in the right direction.
It means that I’m one step closer to being able to say, “I made it.”
Sure, my ribs no longer show but at least my smile does.
My collar bones are not prominent and my stomach may not be flat but who cares? None of that ever made me happy.
This is the start of a new me and it is beautiful.
So stay strong everyone and fight whatever it is that stops you from getting what you deserve – happiness.
*Please excuse the embarrassing selfies!